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If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.