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Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.