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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome