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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...