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Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?