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Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.