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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.