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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
Gravity is a real downer.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.