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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.