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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
Mondays should start at noon.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.