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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.