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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100