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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
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I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.