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French people give me the crepes.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.