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Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.