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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.