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You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.