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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.