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Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.