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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.