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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes