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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.