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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.