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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts