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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.