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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.