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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.