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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.