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If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm