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3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.