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If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.