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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.