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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.