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I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
Some people should come with subtitles.