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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.