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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.