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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.