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What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.