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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
bras are booby-traps
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.