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Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*