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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.