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That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
All milk is breast milk.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..