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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?