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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.