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I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.