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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone