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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...