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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.