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As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.