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The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
I just awesomed all over the place.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards