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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
I drink to make other people interesting
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.