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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?