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I cannot even begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.