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The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.