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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
Iām not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned