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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”