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If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.