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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?