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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.