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I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.