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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.