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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing