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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.