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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
Stop saying `all the men are the same` who told you to try them all..WHORE!!?¿
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.