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I don`t care about your status...
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.