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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
My pants are 75% off.
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.