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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.