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Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
Iām mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. Iām so glad Iām not a crazy person.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.