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I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.