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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
YouTube "This video is not available in your country". where the hell am I from? NARNIA?
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do