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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.