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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."