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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
Stop saying `all the men are the same` who told you to try them all..WHORE!!?¿
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Trust me, I am a liar.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.