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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?