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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.