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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.