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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..