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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.