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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.