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I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.