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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
Iām tired of things costing money.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
When my kids grow up, Iām going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say Iām bored & then just leave!
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Iām holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.