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Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.