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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.