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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.