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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”