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If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Real friends show me their boobs