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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
I flunked anger management class.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.