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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.