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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
Chip clips are for quitters.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.