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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.