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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.